Once I was on my way to the drug seller I was looking all around and out of nowhere a squirrel jumped in front of me as if he were taunting me. I just had to chase him and when I did I fell into a hole in the ground because I wasn't looking where I was running. I had to come up with a story fast. There is no way I could tell my aunt that I had broken the eggs she had given me the same way I had injured myself in the first place. As I walked further toward the town I came up with countless stories that I could tell her. After all the stories were made up I decided to combine them all for the best story of all time.
Once I had arrived back at my aunt's house I told her my ingenious story that I created. I told her that I had misplaced the eggs when I got to the town and looked around hard until I found them fully grown into a chicken inside a woman's house. I told the woman to give my chicken back and to pay her for the work the chicken had done for her. We agreed that I would receive a substantial amount of rice in pay for the chicken's work. I strapped the rice to the chicken's back and we left from the village.
On the way back we stopped because the chicken's back was aching. Some men told me to place a burnt walnut shell on the back of the chicken and it would heal her. The next day when we woke up there was a fully grown walnut tree growing out of his back. The earth around the tree was good so I planted watermelons and muskmelons for growing. I cut a watermelon open and lost my knife. The melon was so big that I found an entire town inside of it and hidden deep within the town was my knife.
After telling my aunt of this great story she began to laugh so hard that she fell down. Once she stopped laughing she told me I wasn't to be trusted to go to town with eggs alone again.
Author's Note
This story is based off of the story "The City of Nothing-in-the-World." The original story is told in the third person narrative style of an all-knowing narrator. The story is the same with a few aspects of it shortened. Some of the details that were toward the end of the story made the lie seem to drag on and on with no end. The girl hurts her leg and asks the grandmother for ointment. The grandmother gives the child two eggs to take to the drug seller for ointment. After returning from the trip is when the child tells her aunt about all of the wild things that happened on her trip. I decided to tell the story in this style to give a more personalized feel for the child and what really happened along with why she lied. I also added the aunt's reactions to her story. The original story didn't have any detail about why the girl chose to lie and make up the story so I added in my own reasoning for the lie. I chose the image of the chicken because it was honestly the only thing that I could find that I liked. Also the chicken is the cause of the whole made-up story.
Bibliography
"The City of Nothing-in-the-World" translated by D.L.R. Lorimer and E.O. Lorimer from Persian Tales (1919). Web Source: UNtextbook
Hey Tylor,
ReplyDeleteI really liked the take that you had on this story. I don't blame you for writing about something that you liked cause if you didn't then you probably would hate to have to write about it. Other than that, you are a really good writer so good job!
Hi Tylor!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story. The story that the main character came up with was my favorite part. I love how she decided to combine all of her made up stories into one huge one. It made the story that much more enjoyable to read. It was crazy and funny at the same time. I definitely think I would have had the same reaction that the aunt did. I also think that you did a great job of retelling the story with your own voice.
Some small things I noticed was that in the first paragraph in the sentence that starts with "Before I knew it..." I'm wondering if the "do" was meant to be the word down? Also in the following paragraph I don't think that you need the phrase "my scrape" since you mentioned it in the previous sentence. Or, you could put the word "it" to describe it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Tylor!
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of your story definitely drew me in and made me want to read more when it started with "Hi my name is"! I felt like I was going to get to know this little girl and that was so cool! I think the story could be broken up into smaller paragraphs, maybe with some dialogue, but I really liked that it was an inner monologue! My favorite part was when she was trying to decide which story she was going to tell her aunt to get away with breaking the eggs! I think that the story she tells her aunt definitely needs quotation marks because it feels like dialogue to her aunt out loud, not like she is saying it in her head! The ending was really cute and I liked that the aunt laughed out loud at her ridiculous story, I thought it was a great way to end the story
So, this story is full of imagination! Here are a few suggestions. I would break paragraphs up some more. The thing is when I get to big paragraphs I think, "Oh man that's a lot of words." So, if you break up the paragraphs, it makes the story flow and move a little better. My professor would tell me all the time to break up my writing. Now, I finally have done it and it reads much easier. I only have suggestions for how to make this story even better since it is already good.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, how can you raise the stakes in this story? What do you think about a ticking clock added so that in order to get back to grandma there is intensity throughout for getting back on time.
How could you add complications? Does the hero take another unexpected journey somewhere tat causes more time to be taken away as the hero struggles to get back? Does some other character get introduced that makes life harder?
Hi Tylor! I haven't read this story before but from your story, I definitely get the gist of what happened even before I read it. I like that you decided to add a reason as to why the girl decided to lie to her aunt instead of just jumping into the lie, like the original story did. Something that I would like to suggest is to do some further proofreading on this story, especially with adding some more punctuation to have more cadence and flow with the story. Maybe some more commas in between the sentences because without them, it seems like there are a lot of run-ons. I did like that the overall tone of the story made it obvious that it was told from the point of view of a little girl, however. Other than that, I think that you did a great job of summing up her crazy lie story. Also, the chicken was kind of random at first, but I totally get why it is here now!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, when I read drug seller, I though about a modern day drug dealer trying to make a deal with a girl for her eggs. That would have been a comical twist of this story. It kind of gives me an idea to use that for one of my stories now. I really liked the end because the aunt saw right through her. I actually laughed out loud when I read that. It was nice that you changed the perspective because it gave more detail in the story. I didn’t see grammatical errors, which is good since you already edited it.
ReplyDeleteIn your note, you did mention a grandmother twice and it made me re-read the story again to make sure I read it right. That would be the thing I would change to not confuse readers. Other than that I really liked this read and I think it’s a solid story to add to your portfolio.
Hi Tylor!
ReplyDeleteI really like your take on this story. You really seemed to make it easier to relate to. I love how this girl gets herself into these crazy situations. It really shows that she is just a child. I like how she spends more time trying to come up with a lie to cover her tracks than she does trying to fix the problem. I have not read the original story, but from your author's note it sounds like you did a great job retelling it. One thing that confused me is that it is her grandmother and not her aunt in the original story, correct? Maybe you could clarify that or change your story to the grandmother to make it less confusing on the audience. I really love the lie that the girl makes up. One thing I would like to see in your story is maybe her thought process on how she made up the lie. Give us something like, "I can say I misplaced the eggs....no, I'll say they hatched...no...that's no good. I'll say that a tree grew out of them....wait, that doesn't make sense...I KNOW...(then insert final lie here.)" I think that would really add to the story.
Hey Tylor,
ReplyDeleteI was instantly pulled into the story of the BIG lie when I read the blurb about this. This whole story was so crazy and creative that it kept me wanting to read more and more. Great job at keeping the reader interested! I would love to see more color in your blog, too!! It’s so cute and creative that it would be awesome to have a background and some fun colors to show your creativity! I would also love to see some dialogue in this story, but overall I loved the plot and the imagination of the little girl to try to think of a lie to tell her aunt really quickly. I think the image also did a good job to show us the chicken that was a big part in the lie and tying that in with the eggs, too. This was a very entertaining story and I can’t wait to read more in your blog!
Hey Tylor,
ReplyDeleteI really like this story. you did a very good job with it. I love that you changed it from third person to first person. It gave it a much more personal feel. I really like that she was chasing squirrels they are such quick little animals that there is no way she would catch them. I really liked the part where she said " I was looking all around and out of nowhere a squirrel jumped in front of me as if he were taunting me" this made me laugh so hard because i knew things were going to go from bad to worse and they did. I also really liked that the aunt "laugh so hard that she fell down". and then tells the kid that he is no longer alowed to go into town. I think you did a very good job with this story. keep up the good work
Hey Tylor! I enjoyed reading your story this week. I think you did a great job of improving the story in your version. By changing the narrator to first person I felt like I was able to better understand and relate to the story. I really liked how the girl's story continued on and on. I was not expecting her to come up with something that outrageous or funny. The aunt's reaction to the whole thing was my favorite part. I'm glad that it had a light-hearted ending, rather than ending with the girl being scolded. I was a little confused at the beginning as to what/who the main character was. For some reason I had it in my mind that it was a dog. It must have been the whole chasing squirrels thing. The spacing made the story very easy to read. The only thing that I think would improve the story is adding a little bit of dialogue. Overall, I think you did a great job!
ReplyDelete